Why we don’t Talk about the Shed!!

Yesterday I blogged about our wildlife Garden a post designed to show people it’s possible to attract wildlife no matter how small your space, however it seems that a throwaway line about the shed has garnered a lot of attention so I feel I should post today to dispel some of the quite frankly outrageous rumours floating around.

Firstly a little bit of context , although I have known Margie for a lot of years we only became romantically entwined some 10 years ago , now she is obviously the woman of my dreams, the love of my life and I am happy as I’ve ever been with the possible exception of the moment I saw a Snowy Owl on a Norfolk nature reserve and the birth of the kids etc. In many ways she is the perfect life partner clever, funny, sexy and even allowing for her slight castle obsession, sea-watching phobia and tendency to rant at news bulletins, pretty much perfect, I’m basically punching way above my weight!! I can also say in those 10 years we have never had a serious argument or raised voices, however in the last couple of years the issue of “The Shed” has arisen!! Indeed if it wasn’t for my excellent social skills, man management, crisis handling training and conflict avoidance strategies this could easily have flared up into a cross word or two!!

So what is the problem well basically it boils down to Margie thinks we need a new shed and I don’t!!

Now we need a little bit of history concerning the shed ,the date of construction of the shed is lost in the mists of time ,legends abound ,rumours that it could be King Arthur’s resting place or that the national archive was stored there during the war , were literally made up by me 2 minutes ago so are unlikely to be true !! Hewn from a single piece of a mighty oak it has stood through the decades a testament to English craftmanship and materials.

 We should also consider at this point what is the function of a shed. Under EU regulation 459 (Sheds and outbuildings) subsection 4) paragraph 9 it states.

“ The function of a shed is to store the contents of the shed (defined as the stuff in the shed) in a manner that keeps it dry and secure” (I have obviously paraphrased the Eu’s actual 5879 word definition which I felt a little long-winded for this blog!!)

Our shed has a success rate in these two areas, over the last 3 years of at least 69% (margin of error +or- 30) and therefore can be considered by any measurement to be a successful shed and therefore not in need of replacement. Admittedly there have been a few damp patches lately, but since my extensive renovation programme , utilizing my top notch DIY skills ,it’s fair to say that your foot no longer goes through the floor on entry, at least 70% of the holes in the walls have been addressed and structurally integrity has been restored with the inspired use of 9mm ply and Baton!


I have two main objections to replacing the shed

1) Expense
With a £900 minimum spend to get a shed half the size of the one we have now and considering the contents of our shed have a street value of about £40, consisting as they do of a Lawnmower (hardly used) ,a strimmer (occasionally used) a selection of Garden tools (more Rust than metal) a couple of toolboxes (which may or may not have a few tools in) 3 Tubs of bird food in sealed plastic containers and a lot of other stuff that is being stored for other people that’s been there so long they have probably forgotten about it!!

2) The Waste!
Now Margie is the recycling queen, in our house no plastic tray or glass bottle gets to the bin without being washed and dried. I am often rebuked for accidently putting
the odd wrapper in the wrong bin or the over use of clingfilm!! Phrases such as “what’s the point of us only eating organic food to try and save the world if you are just going to put that milk bottle top in the landfill bin, we might as well not bother” or “if you put that sweet wrapper in the recycle bin, when it’s clearly the wrong sort of crinkly stuff I’m gonna take it out and shove it right up your………..”( censored for a family audience), can be heard on a regular basis! So I find it baffling that she will dump a practically good as new shed and replace it with an inferior shed, with all the extra CO2 emissions, deforestation, child slavery issues this would create!!

It should also be noted that despite regular comments such as “it’s a death trap” ,”someone is going to lose an eye on that nail” and at the slightest puff of wind “ I think the roofs come off”, The shed over the last 3 years of this debate has seen and survived , The Beast from the East, Storm Ali ,Storm Dennis, Record Breaking summer temperatures, Ex-hurricane Ophelia, The rise of the Populist Right, Brexit and Coronavirus (there is currently no, Peer-reviewed science based evidence that sheds can’t get Covid-19) Yet apparently it’s long service and unyielding loyalty count for nothing chucked aside because it look a bit scruffy! I worry that when my boyish good looks, chiselled physique and legendary stamina, start to fade will I receive the same fate, discarded in favour of something new and fresh from B&Q!!

Margie’s Right to Reply (translated from the original Suffolk) Margie’s comments are in red this highlights the barely suppressed rage she feels about this issue, I have added a few comments in brackets in order to react to some of her more outlandish claims.
“It’s true I did foolishly want a new shed, but I can see now how wrong I was for many reasons that I won’t expand upon, suffice to say I will forget all about it , hopefully Paul will accept my apologies I will now go up to the bakers and get him a large jam donut and tonight will dre….Thwack (there was no need for that)

Margie’s actually right to reply
“Right Mr Evans (Uh-Oh she’s Mr Evansing me, this never ends well) “Legendary Stamina” LOL basically the Shed is a death-trap. Barely a day goes by without another lump of roof appearing on the grass, Paul’s feeble attempts at DIY left it more dangerous than when he started ,with sticking out nails ,loose boards and Broken glass everywhere. (oh that’s right snowflake throw the old Health & Safety book at me) the “Damp Patches” are fully formed puddles that will probably attract Frogs and Newts long before the pond , At least I no longer need a torch in there as the holes in the roof provide more illumination than the now boarded up window ever did! Whilst it’s true my foot no longer goes through the floor, the alarming swaying of the walls on entry suggest structural integrity is not all Paul claims. Indeed if Mr Scott was here he would be running outside shouting the shields can’t hold her captain! (excellent Star Trek reference honey, Kudos) . it’s true I care about waste and the planet but with the Global Warming, he’s always wittering on about on the horizon we are going to need a shed that can survive rising sea-levels, drought and more frequent storms (damn even using GW against me, awesome!) Lastly as his only supplier of cake and other pleasures I feel he should look again at this situation, realising how upsetting this and I could easily forget to pick up cakes excetra!! (outrageous attempt at Blackmail)

Well as a man of the utmost principle and integrity I would never give into blackmail, however that said Margie did make some pertinent point’s there. So feel I should get on an order the new shed right away with a view to having it installed the moment lockdown ends!! Now about that donut!

                    And that my friends is why we don’t talk about the shed!!